surrender

Since my last post, I slept relatively well for over a week, and then a few nights ago, I couldn't sleep until 3am (not really sure why, perhaps the decaf latte at noon?), and the next night, of course I started to panic about not sleeping again and catastrophizing about the consequences of lack of sleep and even made a 2am drive to my parents' place for sleeping pills.

And it occurred to me the next day that even though I have obviously been praying about my sleep, perhaps I wasn't surrendering the problem completely over to God. I was still relying on things I could control (whether it be western sedatives, or chinese accupressure points). I spent a long time in coversation with our Father about my desire to have more faith in his power, about how irrational it was to know a God that's done much more miraculous things and yet believe him to be incapable to helping me sleep, etc. etc. I asked that he send angels to help lull me to sleep. That night, it still took a while, but I slept a few hours, and the next night, it took me no time at all to fall asleep. Then last night, for some reason, I started to overthink the sleep thing again, and after an hour and a half of not sleeping, I took another sleeping pill (debated about whether it was a sign I wasn't trusting God). I wasn't even really panicing about it this time, I just wanted to maximize my sleeping time, and was didn't want to take 2-3hrs to fall asleep again. However, my sleep was very fragmented and noah woke up earlier than usual anyway. And then the guilt of taking a pill while breastfeeding. Sigh.

Clearly, I have a ways to go in this surrender process, but hopefully I can get there. And maybe this is training ground for other things to come.