insomnia

first of all, let me say I do not have postpartum depression; and second of all, at the risk of sounding like a bad mom, let me honestly say that motherhood has been really hard on me. Noah is settling into a beautiful routine, sleep training is slow, but coming along, he wakes only once a night to feed. SO WHY CAN'T I SLEEP!!!

I suppose I've always been a very light sleeper. When I use to do in hospital call, I'd have trouble falling asleep in my call room, but post call, I could sleep for hours (as long as it was quiet). My husband's snoring would often make sleeping difficult and I'd kick him to the futon more often than not.

However, this current bout of insomnia is wicked. It started more than a month ago where I did not sleep the entire night because I knew the next day, I would be all my myself taking care of the baby (something I would be doing for the very first time...I know, I'm spoiled) so that anxiety/adrenalin kept me awake all night. Then for the next 2 weeks, I'd sleep only if I took a sleeping pill, which made me really nervous since it was not recommended during breastfeeding, but I knew I'd go crazy if I didn't sleep for 48hrs straight. Then the hubby came back and his snoring actually lulled me to sleep, and then I was good for a while.

Two weeks ago, we were going on our first trip away without the baby, and I had trouble falling asleep, so thinking I'd miss my only chance to sleep through the night, I took sleeping pills for 4 days, and when I came back, I had another night where I didn't sleep a wink. Since then, I've been seeing a chinese medicine doctor for acupuncture treatments. I've had 10 treatments so far and they have helped, didn't need any sleeping aids. BUT 2 nights ago, I had yet another sleepless night.

I'm at the point where I dread the coming of the night and am scared to sleep because I might have another one of those sleepless nights. Even though I'm exhausted, my mind just won't shut off. I'm not worried about anything, and yet, there is all this background noise. My days are completely unproductive since I'm so tired, but I've given up on taking naps because I can't sleep then either. Sleep is one of those things you can't really try at unfortunately, and the more I worry over it, the worse it is; and yet, it's hard to control one's anxiety when one is facing another possible sleepless night (and day!)

I'm thinking about the potential outings and stimulation I'm taking away from my baby, and it makes me sad since it's my maternity leave when i am with him all the time. My mom is over to help me everyday...I don't know what I'd do without her.

I hope this gets better, it's got to, right? I don't even care about not having a social life, just let me be able to fall asleep.