convictions

whenever I'm facing bumps in the road / trials, I always start to think: is God trying to get my attention about some area in my life? Am I being punished? Is he angry that it took me 3 months to get back to church after giving birth? And then I quickly abandon such thoughts with "God doesn't work that way" or "if he were punishing me, he would have done it awhile ago, when I did this or that."

when I first struggled with this wicked insomnia (see previous post), I thought "maybe God wants me to read the bible everyday, since I've been slipping lately" so I re-started my plan to read through the bible again. And after a couple of weeks, I stopped that daily routine because I got lazy as usual, and my sleep got better. Then it dawned on me that God does not want me to spend time with him daily because of my fear of insomnia or whatever way I think God is going to punish me, but because he is MY SAVIOR, and he loves me, and I love him in return. So I decided to continue my routine, with no expectation other than that it is my desire to know him more and to obey and please him.

I'm currently in deuteronomy (a welcome change to numbers, hehe) and God convicted me that I'm just like the isrealites:

"when your heards and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the lord your god, who brought you out of edypt, out of the land of slavery." Deut 8:13-14.

for so long, God's answered all my prayers, he's laid straight all my paths, he's removed all my obstacles, he's taken care of all my earthly needs, he's surrounded me with nothing but love and support from family and friends, he's blessed me with a healthy son, he's given us a beautiful new home, he's given me and my family success by any wordly standard, he's increased my flock and my silver and gold. My cup overflows.

but spiritually, if I were to be honest with myself, I've been in the same spot for years. I'm content to have a church to go to, familiar worship songs to sing, fellowship to attend, and someone to pray to when there were bumps in the road, and someone to thank when my prayers were answered. But I don't think I know God deeper, I don't think I'm more Christ-like. I think my heart is proud, and I forget that I still need the lord, without whom, I'd be in slavery.