No sooner than I had written the post about surrendering to God's timing did I find out that I was expecting...unexpectedly. Irony.
The plan was to have a baby next year, when stephen was done exams, when we had jobs, when life was "settled", finally. But I think a part of me knew, a couple of weeks before I was late. For some reason, I wanted to make sure I took folic acid everyday. I even took a couple of my friend's Materna when I didn't have any. I suppose that's something called intuition that God gives us, or perhaps maternal instinct. I later find out the folic acid dose was not enough, but I'm sure better than nothing, and hopefully the neural tube closes anyhow.
THE TEST confirmed it. The "+" sign instantly appeared, didn't even have to wait the official minute. It's hard to describe how I felt. I had told stephen it was a possibility the week before, but now it was actually true. I thought of all the things that I would have to give up this coming year: Europe, Florida, China for CNY! I haven't been back to see my relatives in 7 years, and finally, this was going to be the year... finally, no more exams, I could take as much time as I wanted, and CNY! and the food!
I know it sounds incredibly selfish, and it is...This year was going to be "the Year of Me," the year that I determined my schedule, worked as much or as little as I wanted, the year I flew back and forth and all around the world, the fun-filled, care-free year before I had to get a real job. But now that was on hold. In its place, questions of who will be my doctor, where will I deliver, what if I get really sick, what if stephen misses the delivery, not having maternity leave benefits, what if i can't help with the move from Halifax.
I couldn't believe it was happening to ME! The person that plans so meticulously! How could I have been so foolish to think that babies were hard to come by?? Why did I stop the pill soo quickly?? If only I could do it again...if only I had planned better...
Through all these thoughts, I was perfectly aware that God had given me a percious gift, something other couples I knew tried to desperately to have, who would give up anything they had to be in my place, and something I got so easily. I should be happy, but I was in turmoil. One night, I was so distressed that I googled "unexpected pregnancy christian" and found a book that addressed this very question. There is so much out there for women who were excited about being pregnant, who couldn't wait to be mothers; but very little to help women find joy in an unexpected pregnancy. I felt better afterwards.
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