Originally written Jun 3, 2011 (without a title)

Today, bloodwork came back showing that the pregnancy hormone had actually decreased from where it was 2 days ago. A sure sign that this is not a viable pregnancy. I was not surprised, as I've been mentally preparing for this for the past 2 days. And at least the level didn't rise just a little bit, giving more uncertainty.

But I had more questions: do I just wait to see if I will naturally miscarry on my own? I'm kind of scared that will hurt a lot. And if I wait, how long do I wait for? There might be a risk of infection if I wait too long. If I don't miscarry on my own, when should I have the surgical procedure? What are the risks of that? Can it cause decreased fertility down the road? Those were my practical questions. My family doctor called, and suggested I contact the "early pregnancy loss program" at the local hospital tomorrow. He wasn't able to tell me much more. I am use to waiting now.

Today, I was not as sad as I was 2 days ago. I started googling all sorts of things. Man, there are a lot of miscarriage forums out there! It's something that people talk freely about after the fact, usually after they've had a normal pregnancy in the interim; but not something people talk about at the time. I wonder if I have to take much time off, and what I should tell my office. I'd like to keep it vague, and deal with it privately. this did not end up happening: 3 of my colleagues, 1 nurse, 1 office manager had to be told so I could take the time off.

Being with Noah cushioned the sting of loss quite a bit, he's all of the good things in life packaged into a huggable smiley bundle. If he is all the children I'm meant to have, I can live with that too. Really. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but that is what I am thinking at this time.

I wonder when we can try again, and the logistics of that with my husband being away for the next 6 months. Maybe the siblings will be 4 years apart in age instead of 3 years. I can learn to deal with things not falling neatly into my plan.

Everything in my life has followed a predictable pattern, but children wasn't going to be one of them. It's ironic that we thought we had the perfect timing down, and then get a reminder that none of it is in our control at all.

I want to have faith that God has a better plan.