Decision

Had the weekend to mull things over...and over... and over again. Fun times. Was lucky enough to speak to 2 obstetrician acquaintances, which was helpful. One thought that the chances of me miscarrying naturally on my own were slim, which made me not want to wait any longer. It was driving me a bit crazy, wondering if every little twinge of something was the start of the process, and anticipating cramping with every little spotting.

I called the pregnancy loss clinic today and decided to try the medicine first, which has a 60-80% chance of being successful, and avoiding the need for surgery. The nurse was very nice as expected. At the end she asked if i was a pediatrician. I wonder how she knew what specialty, must have look it up. She offered me some sterile gloves which she says she doesn't normally offer her regular patients. How special I felt...

One thing that made me feel better was when she told me more people chose the medicine than surgery. Up until this point, I had been getting conflicting opinions from the few people who knew. Now I felt like I was making a reasonable choice. Surgery always has more risks, even though it's over and done quicker with less pain. So I'm going to take the medicine tomorrow afterwork, and hope for the best.

It is a strange thing to control the loss of your own pregnancy. I have not yet decided if I'm happy to have known this early rather than finding out down the road either by bleeding naturally or at the next scheduled ultrasound in a month. I've been rather distracted at work and in the evenings. I'm either vegging out in front of the TV or reading about miscarriages. Tonight, I read a forum on other people's experiences with the medication route: anywhere from only a few hours of bleeding and mild cramping, to passing out on the floor and being rushed to the hospital needing a blood transfusion. Good thoughts to have, I know. I've also been having nightly dreams about miscarrying. They do not disturb me, but just an indication of how much this has been on my mind even though I'm not experiencing much in the way of overt stress in the day.

I hope to have "good news" to report soon. I know, calling this good news feels wrong, but I'll be happy to put this behind me.