helpless

My mom use to say, "you never know what it means to have pain in your heart for someone until you have children of your own." She was right.

I've also heard it said that "having children is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." They were right.

Seeing my baby get IV's, blood work, urinary catheterization, spinal tap - all without any anesthetic, and screaming in pain with a look of horror in his eyes, was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life. All I could do was hold his hand, and whisper "mommy's here, daddy's here, we're not going any where" over and over while he continued to cry.

I kept thinking of all the things I wish I could endure in his place...if it were only that easy. Every time he moved, he would cry because the IV board would cause him pain. Diaper changes were excruciating from the diarrhea caused by the antibiotics he was on, which irritated his skin. Breastfeeding was a whole production as we carefully made sure the 6 different wires coming off him weren't pulling on his skin, while he cried some more.

I've seen other infants and children go through this and worse many many times in my career. In fact, we'd call it "routine". Sometimes, I'd even roll my eyes over the really dramatic parents.

Now, every time I hear a child cry in the hospital, my heart breaks for them; and because I know somewhere, a parent's heart is breaking also.